Okay. I haven’t posted here in forever. But I won’t lie, I sort of missed you all.
It’s not like I have a relationship (that I want to discuss on a blog..) that I wanted to update you on. But what brought me out of hiding was this absolutely useless article/video I watched on YourTango.com this morning.
I was intrigued, I admit, because I’ve committed the ultimate sin of screaming out someone else’s name in bed. And I couldn’t tell if I handled it well or not…so I thought I’d get some expert’s advice.
In reality, YourTango.com only wanted to help you stop worrying about doing this. Watch the video. Basically this doctor encourages you not to worry about it. That’s dandy. What if you already did the deed? Nothin’.
“I could do better than this,” I thought. So here I am at the WordPress dashboard to talk about it. Luck you, if it’s an embarrassing situation, I’ve done it. And I’ve been reticent to share the more embarrassing side of my escapades with you. But no longer. I just missed you all this much.
Engage flashback sequence
Picture it, late 2007 in the middle of the night. I am spending the night with The Friend (which is another terrible story that I will save for another time) and of course we were engaged in coitus that was, as usual, pretty good by most standards. The thought of screaming someone name (that wasn’t present!) during no-pants-dancing never really crossed my mind or was a fear of mine. And to be honest, I’m almost never a name screamer anyway. It seems odd, but you know, if the right guy asked for it, I’d be willing to accommodate the request… anyway…
The actual even is so traumatic that I can recall many things about it when I close my eyes and think very hard. I remember that the only light on was emanating from a flashing alarm clock that read 12:51 am and turned to 12:52. I remember the sheets were grey, the comforter was at the bottom of the bed trapping my feet, I remember The Friend was in front of me, but I can’t recall what we were actually doing because the only thing I remember is the rolling wave of pleasure washing over my naked body and I can still feel my mouth opening and I can almost see the damn words rolling out of my mouth and hanging in the air. ”Oh God,” I half mumbled, half moaned.
Only God isn’t what came out.
The two words felt funny coming out, I admit it now. I swear to you, I saw them coming out in slow motion– tiny letters tumbling from my lips into the air and swirling around The Friend’s head before being sucked up into his ears. It felt like (and still feels like) if I had just reached up with my hands I could have grabbed them and stuffed them back into my mouth. When I close my eyes and remember the moment my hands instinctively rise up and grasp at the air. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve stopped typing at this keyboard and reached up to grab the words as I sit here writing for you.
I didn’t grab the words, and I didn’t say God. I immediately clapped my hands over my mouth and sat straight up in bed, tossing The Friend to the other side of the mattress in the process. “HIS NAME RHYMES WITH GOD, I SWEAR TO YOU, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!”
I immediately started screaming. And then my brain started racing. “Should I cry, I could cry. I can make myself cry. Shit, I probably don’t have to make myself cry it’s probably just going to happen.” but I didn’t cry. For some ungodly reason though the room was almost entirely dark I could now see The Friend’s face–crystal clear. His eyes were clenched shut as if he were crying to take those slow motion letters and use pressure to force them back out of his ears. I kept explaining it “HIS NAME RHYMES WITH GOD IT JUST NATURALLY COMES OUT YOU KNOW SOMETIMES HE EVEN CONFUSES HIS NAME WHEN SOMEBODY SAYS GOD DAMN” but nothing seemed to be penetrating through the ears and into the brain. Probably those swirly letters had jammed right at the ear drum and weren’t letting anything in. Maybe his ears shut off because he was afraid I might say something else. I don’t know. I just remember that once that “OH God” came out the words wouldn’t stop.
Eventually his eyes opened and he returned to earth eventually and I sat with my head in my hands in the bed waiting. And waiting. And waiting. But he never yelled. He simply asked quietly “Were you thinking of him?”
I lied at the time, but of course he was never far from my mind. I know people wonder all the time about their spouses and partners “Did they even think of me while they were cheating?” I can’t speak for all of us, but I did. Sometimes I felt guilty. Sometimes I felt relieved. Sometimes I felt good about myself because he had rejected me in some way. Sometimes I wished it were he who so passionately wanted my body. So while I could rationalize that his name just rhymes with God.. and maybe that’s why it tumbled out into space. But maybe I was thinking of him. I don’t know. Sometimes I’d like to tell him, because I think he’d get some satisfaction out of that. But instead of an email…here it is in a blog post. For him to read and not acknowledge (you’re welcome!).
So, realistically, I said I was here because I could give you better advice on what to do in the aftermath of a verbal mishap during sex. And I think I can, simply by analyzing what I would have done different.
1) I would have immediately said “I’m sorry. That was a total accident.” and I wouldn’t have made an excuse. The excuse, even if it was true, made it sound lame and like I was lying.
2) I would have laughed about it much sooner. Three days later it became a joke. “Hi, I’m The Friend. Didn’t want to confuse you.” Laughter is the best medicine, if it’s appropriate. Watch that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry doesn’t know how to dirty talk, and have a good laugh. If it’s not something you’re ready to laugh about, be honest about that too.
3) I would have been honest about the situation and said, directly, how I felt. I felt horrible. I felt horrible for a lot of reasons, but mostly because The Friend probably felt super insecure afterward. I would have told him that it wasn’t anything he did, but my own brain and hangups. (See, I am nice sometimes!)
4) Realize that you’ll probably live through it. Mistakes happen. People say weird things all the time. Even the most embarrassing moments of your life eventually get replaced by something more embarrassing…so just hope that more embarrassing moment comes along quickly.
(I missed you all. What are you up to?)